


Cruel And Unusual

by iphis17



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: Gen, challenge!fic, not even slightly serious, ten times the awesomeness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-17
Updated: 2012-06-17
Packaged: 2017-11-20 21:31:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/589852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iphis17/pseuds/iphis17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Valkyrie groaned, and sat up. "I told you it was a trap," she said.</p>
<p>"No, you said it <em>looked</em> like it was a trap," Skulduggery corrected. "That's completely different."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cruel And Unusual

**Author's Note:**

> As this was a competition response, the first fifty words were written by Derek Landy.

Valkyrie groaned, and sat up. "I told you it was a trap," she said.

"No, you said it _looked_ like it was a trap," Skulduggery corrected. "That's completely different."

He helped her up as a door opened behind them and Sadistica Tortura walked through, an unsettling smile on her lips. “Good morning, my dears,” said she. She was short, skinny and kind of sharp around the edges. “How did you sleep?”

“Not too badly. Valkyrie kept hitting me, though.” Skulduggery shrugged, and Valkyrie kicked him in the ankle. “Ow,” he added.

“Would you like to know my name?” Sadistica asked, gently running her fingers over the sheathed knife strapped to her hip.

“Not,” Valkyrie began as she started to comb through her hair with her hands, “if it is not phonetically decipherable, or in any way requires explanation to pronounce.” She paused. “Or if it has any extraneous punctuation in it. Or if a thirteen-year-old child would find it cool.”

“My name,” said Sadistica, disregarding the pretty hellion with the biblical appellation, “is Sadistica Tortura.”

“How delightfully cheerful,” Skulduggery said brightly while Valkyrie yawned pointedly. “I suppose you’ll want to tell us all about why we’re here and why you won’t let us leave?”

“I’m sure you’re both wondering why you’re here,” Sadistica said.

Valkyrie cast a look to Skulduggery. The look said, rather succinctly, ‘oh my God, is she even real?’.

“I’m afraid, though, it would take rather a long time for me to explain it, so I’ll just let you two figure it out.” Sadistica smiled. “It was lovely meeting you, though.” That said, she turned and left the room.

“I hope it’s not bugs,” Valkyrie said conversationally. “I don’t want to get bugs stuck in my hair ever again.”

“I keep telling you to get a haircut if it’s that important to you, but it obviously isn’t, since you never listen.” Skulduggery paused. “Do you think anything’s going to happen? Something’s meant to happen, right?”

“Yes. Based on her name, I was assuming it would be something bondage-related or at the very least vaguely homoerotic, but that doesn’t really seem to be the case. Do you think her plan has been foiled, whatever it was?”

“Not impossible,” said Skulduggery. “Oh, do you hear that?”

“I can’t believe it,” said Valkyrie. “I really can’t believe it.”

“Of course you can. You practically predicted it.”

“I suppose I did. Thirteen-year-olds are so inventive these days, aren’t they?”

“I wouldn’t necessarily say _inventive_ , but they do seem to have a lot of spare time. Would you like to go get breakfast?”

“Sure,” Valkyrie said cheerfully. “Can we stick around and watch her reaction first?”

“Don’t we already know that she’s going to chase after us and have a meltdown about being stuck in a room with autotuned singing and drum machine beats?”

“Yes, but just imagine how fun it would be to witness.”

“I’m beginning to think you’re enjoying this just a little too much.”

“I know,” Valkyrie said blissfully.


End file.
